


if you wanna know if he loves you so

by withoutwords



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Just Lots and Lots of Fluff, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25858168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withoutwords/pseuds/withoutwords
Summary: Ben likes Callum’s unyielding sweetness - even if he hassles Callum about it from time to time. How he can forgive all the wrongs done against him and treat others how he’d always hoped he’d be treated. He likes Callum’s dry humour, and his stupid love for football and the way he’s not afraid to wear tuts and tiaras when playing with Lexi.Ben likes a lot about Callum, which goes without saying really since the truth is Ben’s in love with him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 13
Kudos: 109





	if you wanna know if he loves you so

**Author's Note:**

> This is for an anonymous prompt at tumblr: "5 times Ben's blissed out by Callum's kiss, and 1 time Callum is". Hope you enjoy x

There’s a lot about Callum that Ben likes. The obvious stuff, the stuff that made him clench his hand a little tighter around his pint glass the first time they met - the height and the width and the beauty of him, that twisting, secretive smile. Ben knew straight away this was going to be different.

Ben likes Callum’s unyielding sweetness - even if he hassles Callum about it from time to time. How he can forgive all the wrongs done against him and treat others how he’d always hoped he’d be treated. He likes Callum’s dry humour, and his stupid love for football and the way he’s not afraid to wear tutus and tiaras when playing with Lexi.

Ben likes a lot about Callum, which goes without saying really since the truth is Ben’s in love with him.

_ Jay’s got a house call out of town this afternoon which means I’m on til close _ , Callum’s telling Ben as he steals half a piece of toast from Ben’s plate.

“Hey!”

_ Finders fee _ , Callum says, struggling with his work jacket.  _ So I’m gonna be late home, once I close up and everything. _

“Why are you going so early then?”

_ We’ve got a meeting at 8:30. That lady, Kate Jackson, the one I was telling you about. _

Ben rolls his eyes. Yeah, Jay has also told him all about that client too. “The one who fancies you?”

_ Ben! _ Callum protests - his mouth is full of food but Ben can still make it out. He swallows and clearly reminds Ben,  _ She’s mourning her dad. _

“So? She’s sad, not blind.”

Finally dressed and grabbing his keys from the table, Callum comes over and presses a finger into Ben’s chest. Ben grabs it tightly.  _ You. Are terrible. _

“And  _ you _ are too innocent. Maybe try and drop in the gay and very happy with ya boyfriend thing today?”

Callum smirks at him in that way that makes Ben equal parts annoyed and turned on. He leans in close, and says,  _ Very happy _ , before kissing Ben without warning. It’s smiling at first, teeth clattering, before Ben tips his head up and opens his mouth for it, hums at the feeling of Callum’s hands coming up to his neck.

His eyes flutter open to see Callum’s still smiling at him, the edges softened a little.

_ See you tonight _ , he says, leaving Ben there in his pyjamas feeling like he’s been hit by a truck.

“That better be a promise!” 

*   


Ben had known love before, with Paul.  _ For _ Paul. And as much as he’d tried to fight his feelings for Callum, as much as he’d punished himself for wanting more than just lust and flesh and a good time - he knew, in the end, that one love didn’t forsake another. There didn’t have to be some forgiveness from on high. Permission to move on.

Ben accepts that now. He has moved on.

_ Why’d your dad just walk out of here? _ Callum demands when he comes into the car lot for lunch.

Ben sighs, throwing his glasses on his desk. He’d stayed at Callum’s the night before and lost his contact lenses somewhere in the bedroom. “He was just checking in.”

_ What for? _

“Uh, because he’s my dad, Callum.”

_ Right. _

“What?” Ben says, watching as Callum just shrugs and comes to perch himself on the edge of Ben’s desk. “Correct me if I’m wrong but weren’t you the one telling me to go easy on him not that long ago?”

_ That don’t mean he can swan in and outta ya work whenever he likes. You’re trying to make a proper go of it. _

“Swan?” Ben repeats, not meaning for it to come out mockingly but it probably does. A lot of people might argue that the easy way they fall into arguments is a bad thing. Ben knows differently.

Callum doesn’t back down, doesn’t surrender to Ben’s usual power of persuasion. Callum’s got him figured out, and Ben’s never felt so seen. So known.

_ You know what I mean. If Jack or someone saw him, they might -  _

“What, assume me and me dad don’t have anything to talk about but crime?”

_ Phil hasn’t given them a reason to think otherwise -  _

“Oh give it a rest, Callum!”

_I just want you to be okay_ , Callum shouts back, hands flailing in front of him. He starts to go on, something like, If your dad, before he’s turning his face away towards the door. Ben feels anger erupt from him, yelling before he can stop himself.

“Look at me! I don’t know what you’re saying!”

Callum spins his head back around, the shock and shame clear on his face.  _ Shit. I’m sorry. That wasn’t -  _

“I know,” Ben cuts in, not sure if Callum’s loveliness won’t just make things worse. He growls, mostly to himself, and slumping back into a chair. “I just - I’m trying to keep this going, and the fact that me dad is thinking about me, accepting that I can still do it even though I’m fucking deaf … it’s  _ important _ Cal.”

_ Ben,  _ Callum says, his eyes pleading. He pulls Ben’s chair a little closer to him, hands on either side to lock him in.  _ I know it ain’t the same as hearing it from ya dad but I will say it, and I’ll keep saying it. You’re amazing. You can do anything you wanna do. _

Ben tries to hide away from the compliment, feeling his cheeks flush as he ducks his head down. Callum doesn’t let him, tipping his head back up with a hand at his chin.

_ And it don’t matter what I think, or ya dad thinks, because it’s true. _ Callum brings his face closer, nothing but love in his eyes.  _ It’s true,  _ he says again and then he’s pressing his lips to Ben’s, soft and enduring, Ben hardly able to breathe. His hands go up to Callum’s arms to anchor himself and as they pull apart he holds Callum close, pressing their foreheads together as he tries to catch his breath.

“Thank you,” he says softly, because it’s all he can think to say.

Thank you for loving me.

*

Jay likes to give Ben a hard time about how domesticated he’s become. Home for dinner and early nights; sweet, simple plans like picnics and school plays. Jay likes to tease him as if he’s not just as guilty with Lola - but apparently Ben in domestic bliss is just a lot funnier.

Ben understands.

They’re not hermits, as much as they might try to be. Their friends can usually convince them to join them for meals at the pub, or an expedition to town. Tonight, too, they’re at the Albert for Whit’s birthday - an extended group of them taking up a few of the back tables.

_ Drink? _ Callum asks Ben, using the sign to go with it and Ben puts up two fingers.

“Double.”

_ Who are you, Don Draper? _

Ben just laughs, wiggling his eyebrows at Callum before going back to a conversation with Jay. He knows they’d also picked this spot because it has more lighting and it makes it easier for Ben to read lips. It’s the quiet kindness that Ben appreciates more than he can say.

_ Where’s ya boyfriend with my drink? _ Jay says after a while, and Ben looks over his shoulder to see if he can spot him.

“Good question. I’ll go round him up.”

Jay rolls his eyes.  _ Course you will. _

Ben pulls a face at him, nudging his shoulder for good measure - and starts to head through the crowds. Knowing Callum he’s been letting everyone cut in front of him in the line and is still waiting to be served. Ben’s stopped on his way over - some guy grabs at his elbow, turning him around.

_ Hey,  _ Ben thinks he says.

“Hi,”

Ben is able to make out,  _ buy you a drink _ , but decides it will be easier just to play dumb.

“I’m deaf mate, I can’t,” Ben tells the bloke, pointing at his ear. He’s still distracted looking for Callum (usually easy to spot over a crowd) and barely makes out the other man saying,  _ sorry _ , as he leans his face in closer. Ben pulls back.

“Yeah,” he drawls, putting a hand up. “I’m also very attached to a big, tall, army bloke. A Greek God, you should see him.”

Ben can definitely see the man say,  _ Right _ , and the sarcasm that goes with it; but it doesn’t matter in the end because Callum decides to find that perfect moment to come up to them. He wraps an arm around Ben’s shoulders tightly, pulling him into his chest. Ben looks up at him, seeing his tight grin.

He laughs. “Hey, you.”

_ Hi _ , Callum says, and he’s leaning down to kiss Ben, his other hand up over his check, around his neck. Ben’s eyes flutter close, his hand balling in Callum’s shirt for purchase and he actually feels his toes curl as Callum’s tongue plays at his lips, begs for entry. 

Ben gives it gladly.

“Wow,” Ben slowly manages to say after they break apart, chasing the taste of Callum on his bottom lip. “You happy now, marking your territory?”

Callum’s still grinning.  _ Got rid of him, didn’t I? _

“Who?” Ben asks teasingly, and Callum yanks him back towards their table, arm still around him.

*

Ben still remembers their first time vividly, like a flesh memory. He remembers the cold on his cheeks, and the sounds of their hushed voices and the leaves crunching beneath their feet. He still remembers a lot of those - sounds from before. Especially the sounds Callum had made, the sounds Ben had pulled from him.

He’d known straight away it was Callum’s first time with a man. He’d known from the surprised, cut off breaths; from the deep, drawling little moans, from the way he’d whispered words that Ben couldn’t make out. 

It was like a revelation. Ben had gotten to his knees, but it was Callum who’d been the one to pray.

“You getting off soon?” Ben asks when he goes to bother Callum at work. “Pun intended.”

Callum rolls his eyes. _No. I’m swamped with paperwork._

“I’m on good terms with ya boss,” Ben says, going around to the other side of Callum’s desk and sitting on said paperwork. “I could see about changing that.”

_Ben_ , Callum says, nudging him off enough to get his things free. _I gotta get this done. It’s important._

“Aw.” Ben pouts. “More important than ya boyfriend?”

_ More important than getting fired, yeah. _

“Oh well,” Ben says with a sigh, standing up and pressing a kiss to the top of Callum’s head. Then he brought his mouth down to flirt at the edge of Callum’s ear. He brings his voice low, brings a hand up to brush at Callum’s throat, his chest. “I guess I’ll have to go home, all alone, with nobody to take care of me. Just me, lying there, thinking about my beautiful boyfriend so far away from me.”

Callum shoves him off with one hand, clearly going red in the face.  _ Cut it out! I’m at work. _

“Just making sure you know what you’re missing out on.”

_ I’ll be home later! _

Ben just blows him a kiss as he says goodbye, heading through to the front room to leave. He barely makes it to the front door, though, when Callum’s spinning him around and slamming him up against it.

“Jesus,” is all he manages to say, before Callum has himself pushed up against Ben’s front, hands on either side of Ben’s head. The kiss is fierce at first, biting, and Ben’s growling into it as he grabs at whatever part of Callum he can reach.

They’re good together, in so many ways - but like this they’re always amazing. It had taken Ben a long time to accept that this was what he liked; the muscle and strength and power of a man, putting him in his place. The rough scratch of skin, musky smell of cologne, the lines and planes and valleys of a man’s body that was just right. Just where he belonged. 

But for all the discovery and experimenting Ben did - nothing compared to Callum. Nothing compared to the two of them together. Intense, overwhelming - since the very first day.

_ You’re the worst, _ Callum says to Ben when they break apart, his hard cock and shocky breath very obvious.

“This mean you’re breaking for tea?” 

_ This means you got half an hour, tops. _

“Better hurry up then, cowboy.”

*

Ben’s hands still curl into fists when Stuart appears, his jaw still clenches every time Callum talks about him. It’s hypocritical, sure, to judge Callum’s brother when his own dad is Phil Mitchell. But Callum’s a part of him now - the best part of him - and he resents Stuart, and Jonno, and even Callum’s mum who he’s never even met.

Ben resents them all, for letting Callum’s love go to waste. He won’t let it happen again.

“Someone stole my chair,” Ben crows at Lexi where she’s sitting at his mum’s dining table. It’s the six of them there, for dinner - Lexi, Ben, Callum, Jay, Lola, and Kathy - 

_ You have to sit on Callum, Daddy _ , Lexi tells him, using some signs. He’s not sure how his heart takes it, some days. Seeing her adapt to his deafness, to all the changes that keep happening in her family.

She’s braver than he’ll ever be. But he supposes that’s the point, really. A badge of honour, as a parent.

“Oh, really?” Ben says, looking at Callum with a raised brow where he’s sitting on her other side. Callum pushes his seat out to give Ben some room, patting a thigh.

_Here you go_ , he says with a grin, leaning back in her chair.

“That looks comfy,” Ben says playfully, watching the way Lexi laughs. He falls into Callum’s lap and wraps an arm around him, patting him on the cheek. “Such a good chair.”

_ Ha, ha,  _ Callum says with a roll of his eyes, but he’s smiling. 

Jay nudges Ben’s shoulder as he passes, making sure Ben sees him when he says,  _ I got a sensitive stomach, mate. _

“Don’t be jealous that my partner is big enough to sit on.”

_ I’ll try me hardest. _

Ben stays there for a while, as they all sit down to eat. He appreciates that they try to slow down the conversation for him, use some signs, but it’s always hard to keep up when there’s so many people around.

Ben mostly just talks to Callum.

The thing is, he knows Callum’s too good for him. For all of them. He’s stopped saying it, for Callum’s sake (it’s not true, Ben, he’d always insist, because he still didn’t like himself enough, maybe never would) but he’ll always believe it.

Except, he’s not going to let it come between them any more. He’s not going to stop making sure that Callum has the things he does deserve - friends, a family, love.

“Am I hurting you?” Ben finally asks, after what’s probably ten minutes too long.

He sees an expression cross Callum’s face before he says,  _ No, you’re fine _ , and knows it’s a lie.

“Alright, Superman, I’m getting off,” he says, starting to stand up, but then Callum’s pulling him back down, nose to nose. “What - ”

Callum kisses him, just a gentle peck of soft lips. Ben closes his eyes to it, to the feeling of him there, the knowledge that it’s all his. Just for him. And Callum wants him to know it.

“What was that for?” he asks quietly when they break apart. Callum taps the tips of their noses together.

_ Just felt like it. _

When Ben looks up, he sees that everyone but Lexi is smirking into their dinner. Lexi is just all-out cackling with her head thrown back.

“You’re all just jealous!” Ben calls out, going into the kitchen for another drink. And too cool himself down.

*

_ +1 _

Ben’s not really a romantic. Callum’s argued the point a few times, insists on reminding Ben of all the nice things he’s said and done - even back at the start. But Ben tells him he’s just being nice, that Callum’s about the only person he feels like being nice to. That’s why he does a lot of it.

Callum never believes him.

The truth is, Ben  _ feels _ romantic. Feels romantic in a way he hasn’t since Paul, a way he hasn’t even since then. Sometimes he just feels like his heart’s going to burst out of his chest - and it scares him. It terrifies him.

Ben  _ feels _ romantic, but he tries not to show it too much, he tries not to surrender. It’s not that it makes him feel weak, or vulnerable; he doesn’t mind that, not when it’s with Callum. (He wants Callum to know.)

It’s everyone else he’s afraid of.

It’s his past.

_ Well, this is nice _ , Callum says when they’re sitting across from each other at a restaurant in town. He’s wearing a blue shirt with the collar open, and his hair’s all perfectly styled and he’s beautiful. Ben’s not sure how he got so lucky.

“Yeah,” Ben agrees, going for his drink. “Something different for a change.” 

_ Very different. _

“Is it okay?”

_ Ben _ , Callum reaches across the table and squeezes his hand.  _ Yes. It’s amazing. _

They move slowly through the first two courses, eating and chatting and drinking. Ben has a buzz going already, and although it would be just as easy to get a taxi home - he considers just getting a room somewhere for the night. Just the two of them.

It would be perfect.

“You wanna dance?” Ben says before he stops to think about it - he’d noticed the secluded dancefloor by the back of the restaurant, a small little band playing. Last time Callum had tried to get him to engage with music and dancing had been a bit of a disaster. Maybe he’d like this.

_ Really? Do you want to? _

“With you? Yeah.”

Callum grins at him.  _ Okay _ .

Ben takes his hand as they go over, leading him to the empty dancefloor. He loves turning around to see Callum actually looking shy, a little smile playing at the corner of his lips and his gaze down. Ben steps into his space, taking his hand and putting an arm around his shoulders.

“Are you gonna lead me, since you can actually hear the music?”

_ I can lead you _ , Callum says with a nod, standing up a little straighter. His hand is warm and firm at Ben’s waist, pulling him even closer as they start to shuffle together in slow circles. They duck their heads together, laughing, and Ben feels the familiar bloom of heat spreading across his chest.

_People are looking_ , Callum says with his face close so Ben can understand.

“We are the only ones out here.”

Callum grins.  _ Right _ , he says, not moving away. 

“Hey.”

_ Yeah? _

“I love you,” Ben tells him, their dancing slowing to a stop. “I’m sorry if I haven’t told you lately because I think it every day. I love you.”

Callum blinks at him,  _ I love you too. _

Ben brings his hands up to take Callum’s face and pull him down, dragging their mouths together. He feels Callum breathe out, surprised, parting his lips to let Ben’s tongue inside; slow and smooth and rolling like honey. Ben’s not sure how long they’re like that for, 

When they pull apart, Callum’s eyes slowly open, his mouth still open with surprise. Ben’s not sure if it’s in an uh, or an um, but it makes him laugh.

“You okay, Romeo?”

_ I will be _ , he says with a nod, laughing himself.  _ I think people are definitely watching after that. _

“Lucky them.”

_ You wanna go get dessert? _

“Oh, I thought that was it?”

Callum shoves him, before wrapping an arm around Ben to lead him back off the dancefloor. He kisses Ben’s temple, as he holds him close, and Ben decides they’re definitely getting a room.

There’s a small box he’s been waiting to give Callum, and tonight feels like the perfect time. 

“So,” Ben says excitedly as they sit down, grabbing a menu. “What’ll it be?”

**Author's Note:**

> thefancyspin.tumblr.com


End file.
